Thankful for Fire

Ok, so I wanted to blog a bit about fires, and how amazing they can be. Yesterday I was able to get rid of some old large goofy furniture in a matter of a few hours. Not only are these items gone for good, but now they are just a pile of ash, and that feels amazing. I feel like some of these heavy items that have been in this house for years have acted as boat anchors, and they are now going away! A few weeks back I had a fire for many days in a row thanks to some rather large pieces of tree that have been laying out in the yard for years. The more I burn, the better I feel, and the less I am going to have to deal with before I move from this house.

I'd also like to talk about how mezmerising fires can be to watch. I feel like it's almost like the sea where you can just stare into them for hours, and get lost in the flickering flames. Perhaps it's like the ocean too where they are powerful and also dangerous. It's hard to take your eyes off of them. It's fun to tell stories around them or make jokes about hot dogs. I love feeling the heat & think it's a trip how if you get too close your skin feels almost sunburned afterwards. I can only feel thankful to fire these days. Without it, I'd still have WAY too much stuff to deal with, and would feel totally under even more pressure.

This journey is a challenge, and I'm glad that fire is on my side. That & the garbage man. I won't lie how amazing it felt to pull the bins back down the driveway today and feel how light they were now. Not only am I losing weight, but so is this house, and it's awesome. It's funny how some people will tell you to sell things, or hold on to them, but sometimes burning them can be the much better option. Thank you again fire for helping me to feel even lighter with each passing day!

The Journey to Sell My Family Home

So, I'm writing this mostly for me to get a lot of these things out, but also to give you some perspective. I'll start with some background. The house in the photo is the house I grew up in. I've never moved from this home as my father allowed me to live here while attending college. In August 2003, after some advice from a friend, my father and I decided to refinance this house and put it in my name since my credit rating was better. So Dad & I signed a LOT of papers, and then it was done. Ever since then I've been paying the mortgage, and working on keeping up the place which is no small feat indeed. Most houses of this size have a family in them, or at least a married couple to be able to keep up with lawn care, snow blowing, and cleaning. I've had my father, a boyfriend here or there and some roommates, but mostly it's been back to me to deal with the majority of the upkeep.

My mother left the family home back when I was in junior high school so around 1991(?), and left ALL her things except her purse. She eventually moved to North Carolina where she lives today. My father left this world on February 23, 2005. Both of my parents rarely threw things away, and as I kept on going from room to room, I realized that I too had a bit of difficulty with this as well. How many photos do you really need to keep? Why am I keeping things that I don't even use? What the hell is this? I also seemed to get overwhelmed, and then wanted to just quit. This happened many times over the years. Negative thoughts would creep into my mind like; you can't do it, the house won't sell, this will take FOREVER, etc. I started to think that this is something I need to continue to keep up. All the while, I KNOW my father would not want me to struggle, and is probably surprised how long I've stayed here without him being around anymore.

Fast forward a number of years to August 2011 when I was relieved from my almost 14 year job at Merrill Corporation (not to be confused with Merrill Lynch). I worked my way to making a substantial salary there, but at the end was entirely unhappy. I would actually cry upon driving to my job everyday, but knew I had to stay in order to keep paying this large mortgage. Now that I know that a job I love DOES actually exist, I feel a bit foolish for staying there so long, but knew it was the money that kept me there. However, now I make a SUBSTANTIALLY lower salary, and my time is truly numbered in this house.

Relationships with men have also come and gone during these times. Each one I thought, "maybe we could start a family," or "perhaps with HIS help we could make this work". However, the more time moved forward, the more I realized that this is truly not a place where I am truly happy. It's just that I've become comfortable, and that is not always good.

I have been to California now about 6 times, and each time I go it's harder to leave. It's been my dream since 2005 to move out there, and now that this dream may be coming closer to a reality it's TERRIFYING! Questions continue to flood my head like: Will I have a full-time job?, Where will I live?, Will I be able to support myself because it's so expensive there, etc. I have now aligned myself with companies that exist in this state as well, but yet I am not sure I can make enough to sustain myself. I am very thankful to my best friend for offering the opportunity to live together to make this a true possibility, but there are still so many questions.

Also, there is still so much left to be done here, and pretty much only me to deal with it. I have a lot more things to go through. More questions arise like; Is it trash?, Should I donate it?, What is this?!?, Will I be able to get this all done and get the house on the market?, How will the showings work with 3 dogs here?, How am I going to manage to keep it show clean?, etc. I keep on plugging away, but I can't help to feel totally overwhelmed right now. At the same time I'm working through all of this "stuff," I'm also working on starting over my career. I tried for a full-time position and was denied, so now it's looks like I'll be back to starting over yet again in another department, and that's SCARY. I'm not sure I'll be able to make enough money to keep me in this place long enough to sell it. I need help, and am not sure who to ask for it. I need to interview realtors, and get the deed updated, and clean out the garage attic (SCARY). Some of these things seem so HUGE and terrifying.

Apparently it's my time to embrace the feeling of "FEAR," and move through it. It's probably exactly what I need in order to move me out of this "comfort" zone house that I truly cannot afford anymore, but at the same time it's really hard to battle feelings of failure and despair. So now I will come to a close, as I need to go make more of a dent in the work that needs to be done around here. However, if you see me, and I'm not my super smiling and happy self, just know what's going on in my background and that I'm doing the best I can not to carry it around with me. I'm really not very good at hiding my emotions (something I'm working on), and that's a good & bad thing. I know we all have our own battles and stories to share with life's challenges each one in differing degrees of TOUGH, and probably most people's are even more difficult than mine. However, this one is mine, it's what I have to deal with right now, and I believe my feelings are very valid as are yours. I'll be here for you to listen & comfort you through your struggles, and now you know a little more about mine.

"Bob" My Father's Doppelgänger

The other day at work I was feeling a little down. I had some tough customers and have been having a struggle lately with all of the things going on in my world. With that said, and not going into further whining detail, I happened upon a man waiting around with his phone in hand. I just happened to strike up a conversation with him which is commonly done to make sure we cannot help answer questions as people wait for assistance. I couldn't get over how this man reminded me of my father in looks & mannerisms. I eventually asked permission to find out his name, and he continued to tell me his name was "Bob" the same as my fathers. I said, "Wow, my father's name was Bob and you remind me a lot of him". He then told me, "You know that your Dad is always with you". I pointed to my heart and said, "Yep, he's right here". I asked him some other questions and we chatted a little while, but I couldn't get over how just those few words he said really touched my heart. It was almost as he knew I needed to hear that.

I think my Dad still communicates with me through others to let me know he's still looking out over me. It amazes me it's coming up to 7 years since Dad left this world, and I still miss him so much, but I know he's in a better place. A place without pain and he had a lot of that in the last years of his life emotionally & physically. But he too had his share of smiles and laughter too & those are the memories I will cherish forever.

I think this year is going to be one of letting go. Letting go of material things, emotions, and anything that doesn't serve me. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've come a long way too. I need to continue to remind myself of what I have done so far and how far I've come. I have my Dad to thank for a lot of the moves forward I make. For example, I channeled my Dad's electronic intellect to fix my clothes dryer when it quit working, put in new electrical outlets in the house, and he's helped me find the courage to do other do-it-yourself type things I would have never thought I could do. Thank you Dad for staying with me in my heart & for the reminders that you are around even if not "physically."

RIP Peanut 2008-2011

So for those of you that don't know I lost my little dog Peanut at the end of last year. It was a shock because I thought she was generally healthy, but she had fallen ill the last few months of her life and somehow got pneumonia. She ended up ceasing on the table at the vet, and I found this out when I was pretty sick with a cold. I had just flew home from a trip to NYC to see my cousin & his family. It's a strange parallel to my Dad's passing as I was pretty physically sick then too.

Peanut was a Schnauzer & Daschund mixed together. I really miss her and her energy. She was a furry little spark plug and always was happy to see you. Her whole body would wag in happiness. Perhaps her being happy and full of love all the time was why she left this world so quickly. She had already learned all the lessons she needed to & continued to love unconditionally. If only we could all do that.

I've now been very blessed to foster a couple of schnauzers for my BFF & they have been such a wonderful addition to this house and the healing process. It's so interesting to see how my first dog Star has been with them around too. She seems more perky again & back to acting way under her age. Life is short and I'm thankful to have been able to spend the few years with Peanut that I did. I will always remember her and her mannerisms. Peanut wherever she is now is just pure love.

Funny Story - Things you only see in the Midwest...

So yesterday, it snowed a little and of course people were driving VERY SLOW. It irritates most people to no end to have to slow down to where it takes twice as long to get to work & yeah it was the same for me. However, I had a very funny eye witness story that got me through this long drive with some belly laughs, and I WISH I had gotten a photo but I was driving. I looked over into the fast lane, and this guy was weaving in and out of it trying to get there a car length faster. I looked back and this same man had taken a gallon of windshield washer fluid and was then dumping it onto his windshield from the outside. So imagine a guy with his window open and arm reaching around to try and dump the last of this fluid onto his horribly dirty windshield. I was laughing so hard at the whole scene. He then continued weaving and ended up in the right lane where he saw me still laughing at him. He waved at me, and exited on his way, hopefully to get to the gas station to put more fluid in his tank. So thank you to this man who turned my annoying drive in to a full round of belly laughs!

Recipes

Pecan Sand-a-lots
Thanks to my friend Maria Emmerich, I've been playing around with some recipes with just what I have in my cupboards. This recipe I started with Maria's famous Animal Cracker recipe and added some things. Here is my non-sugar Pecan Sandie version without all that naughty sugar, but still all the yumminess!

Dry Ingredients
1 cup Whey Protein
1 cup Almond Flour
1 tsp. Baking Soda
1/2 cup Truvia
1 cup pecans
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg

Wet Ingredients
1/2 cup Butter
1/2 cup Non-Sweetened Coconut Milk

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Melt butter a bit so it's soft or liquid. Mix all dry ingredients into the butter then add coconut milk. Add just enough water to get a cookie dough consistency. Drop dough onto a greased cookie sheet (you can use butter or I used coconut oil spray). I made them into tablespoon sized lumps. Bake for 10-15 minutes depending on your oven.

Let them finish cooking outside the oven for a few minutes & then enjoy!

An old recipe, but it got me through some pizza craving times in my life...
Brown Rice Tortilla Pizza
(Preheat oven to 400 degrees)
1 Brown Rice Tortilla
2 T. Tomato Paste
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper powder
1/4 tsp Italian seasoning (oregano or rosemary)
1/2 cup chopped red peppers
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 cup approx. spinach leaves
1/2 cup cheese (I use vegan cheese)

Spray pizza pan with olive oil to coat. Using the back of the spoon cover the tortilla with tomato paste and shake the garlic & cayenne powder over it. Add spinach leaves, onion and red pepper. Grate cheese over the top and shake the Italian seasoning over the top. Bake at 400 degrees for 18-20 minutes until edges of the tortilla and cheese are browned.

Feel free to add pre-cooked chicken breast strips for extra protein, mushrooms, broccoli or anything else you like on pizza. It's my favorite treat to myself and again without any guilt! :)
Enjoy!

300 things I want to do before I die.

1. Write a book. Maybe just a collection of short stories or a synopsis of my life. Just to do it and say I did.

2. Complete a triathlon. Don't need to place or compete with anyone, but just finish.

3. Surf in the sea. I may not be any good at it, but I'd just like to try it a few times and feel the ocean beneath my feet.

4. Start a traveling grooming business. Travel to people's homes with a fold up table, clippers and a smile.

5. Go pro with my photography. Travel the world shooting fun things.

6. Learn another language, and when I say this, I mean really learn it. Be able to speak it fluently to other people in that area or country.

7. Take a pottery class. I did this in high school and loved it so why shouldn't I do it again?

8. Sing in front of a large audience. I've done this on a small scale so kicking it up a notch would be fun and amazing.

9. Try my hand at mountain climbing. You know, climbing up and repelling down with all the ropes and things. Maybe a zip line through the woods too!

10. Painting a picture on a very large scale canvas. Not sure what I would paint, but it would be BIG. Thinking big and fun!

11. Visit Hawaii. My Grandmother Helen always told me if you can go anywhere, go to Hawaii and this is some advice I'd love to take.

12. Teach yoga to others. I have really found such a love for this and would love to help teach others how it's done.

13. Go scuba diving and see a coral reef and amazing schools of fish.

14. Visit Las Vegas and see some shows, cruise by the Bellagio and drive in a convertible with all those lights at night.

15. Walk down the beach many miles holding the hand of someone I truly love.

16. Have an 80s movie night theme party at my house. Watching all the 80s favorites or parts of them if there is time constraint issues. Breakfast club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 16 Candles, etc.

17. Go skiing in the mountains of California. The ones in Colorado were amazing and I'd love to go back there also.

18. Visit Paris and take some time to see all the sites. Perhaps a tour of Europe.

19. Now all the different countries are coming to mind. Australia! Pet a koala, take a walk about, explore with a guide of course. ;)

20. Pay off all debt, and this means credit cards as I'm sure there will be a car & house payment in my future, but not having other debt hanging around would feel wonderful and such a sense of accomplishment.

21. Taking a gondola ride in Italy. Enough said, that would be amazing.

22. Train one of my dogs to be able to take to a nursing home and make friends with the people that live there.

23. Take a sleeper car in a train and go somewhere interesting.

24. Go horseback riding in Wales again. That was an amazing experience.

25. Live in a brand new home with little to no maintenance!

26. Hire a maid service to clean for me.

27. Donate my time to sick children. Help them to paint, draw, laugh and forget their pain for a little while.

28. Stick my feet in the black sea just to say I did it.

29. Ride an elephant.

30. Get married to a wonderful man.

31. Go on a cruise. Thinking of tropical and Alaskan come to mind.

32. Swim with dolphins. How cool would that be?

33. Visit some of the places I went as a kid like Yosemite National Park, Disney World and the Badlands for starters.

34. Write a song. An actual song not just a poem set to music but one that doesn't rhyme and has meaning.

35. Para-sailing the closest I'd probably get to parachuting since I have no desire to do that.

36. Teach about the balancing of chakras as I find it fascinating!

37. Own another convertible.

38. Live in California which is a goal I hope to make real within the next year of my life!

39. Pet a kangaroo. Maybe even dress like one for Halloween with a pouch that I can put stuff in. How cool would that be!?

40. Have my own small home with just thing things I really love in it.

41. Go back to Chicago and stay with friends or in a nice hotel. Enjoy showing someone the city perhaps.

42. Ride a camel in Arabia.

43. Go to a yoga retreat.

44. Sell my childhood home.

45. Ride a uni-cycle.

46. Own a kayak and use it often.

47. Take up painting again.

48. Have board game night & people to actually play them with me!

49. Get to a healthy weight.

50. Learn how to tie different knots.

51. Drive on the autobahn.

52. Travel to as many places in the word as I possibly can.

53. Learn sign language.

54. Ride the biggest roller coaster in the world.

55. Get my picture taken with a celebrity.

56. Teach my Mom something new.

57. Do a bicycle riding tour around a state or area.

58. Work at a job I love.

59. Live in another state.

60. Meet new friends that become family.

61. Do some acting.

62. Volunteer more with children.

63. Walk my dog/s daily.

64. Make enough money to no longer need to worry about spending.

65. Learn more about biology.

66. Take ballroom dancing lessons.

67. Make more pottery.

68. Get on the price is right with my BFF. :)

69. Sell the house I grew up in & take only the things important to me to my next place.

70. Take photography lessons.

71. Become a pet photographer.

72. Only work at jobs I love.

73. Wake up and hear seagulls and waves lapping on the shore.

74. Try sailing.

75. Become financially free.

This is my work in progress list. 300 things take a long time to figure out!