Seeing Dad in a Whole New Light

I found out some pretty surprising news on June 27th, 2012. However, for perspective, let's go back to November 30th, 1976. On that day a baby girl was born to Robert & Carolyn Jenkinson on their wedding anniversary. Adorned with bright eyes and a giant smile. She immediately stole her father's heart, and he then made an amazing committment to her. A secret was made.

Yes, that little girl was me, Lori Leigh Jenkinson. It seemed from that day forward, I was always close to my father. Daddy's little girl as the saying goes. My Dad taught me so many things throughout the years. Even after my Mother left the family when I was in junior high school, he continued to be an amazing father, and went above and beyond to take care of me. He would field questions with style & grace about puberty that probably should have been for my mother. His dedication was pretty amazing, but I still had no idea how amazing...

I used to give him Mother's & Father's Day gifts because he acted as both to me. In his family, love wasn't as openly given as it was on my Mother's side. In hindsight, I never totally understood that, but I always threw my arms around him and hugged him. I would tell him I loved him pretty much daily. I even said I love you before I left for work on the day he died. My father passed away February 23rd, 2005, and I really can't believe 7 years has passed since then.

So, flashing back to current day, I have now found out that the only father I ever knew was not my biological father. My mother had an affair with a man whose name is still to be determined, and I was the result of her choice. I'm still not sure as to whether or not I will ever contact this man. If I do it would be only from a medical standpoint, or to find out if I have any cool siblings that would be interested in meeting. The only thing I can seem to focus on now is the amazing man that my father was. He never had to raise me, or show me the kind of love that he did. Sure, we had our fights and troubles just like any parent/child relationship, but now learning that he really didn't have to do any of it just makes my Dad even more amazing in my eyes. It takes a really special man to do what my father did. He did what he could to try and make it work with my Mom, but I think many factors were against them like alcohol and getting married so young. I know relationships are difficult and I can't even imagine being married to this day. I'm not angry at my parents for going their own ways. I'd much rather have people do the things that makes them happy & find someone that lifts them up. I don't think my parents did that for each other. I do know my father & I lifted each other up. We would spend holidays together, just him & I, and it was great. I'd make us food and we'd watch TV or talk. I'm really glad I was able to spend so much time with him. I was glad to be able to take care of him when he got sick, bandaging his foot, helping him to dialysis, and cooking special meals for his changes in diet. I am so glad that I was able to help him even just a little considering how much he helped me over the years.

I've been asked if I would have changed anything about the past, and I don't think I would. Sure, I would have liked to know this information sooner, but learning it now just inspires me to want to continue to be a good person. I want to keep showing people the amazing type of love I was shown. I want to continue to make him proud as he looks over me from heaven. Learning the truth sure has been a roller coaster of emotions, but I am left with the feeling of love. Pure, unconditional love which I thought was only possible by animals. My father has shown me that unconditional love is possible in human form. He continues to teach me lessons even after he is gone. I feel truly blessed and honored to have been welcomed by him & his family from day one. This is one amazing family that I am part of, and I feel so thankful to be a part of it.

What I'll Miss & Not Miss about 442 Jacobs Lane

So, as I continue to get this place ready to sell, a lot of thoughts go through my head about what I'll miss, and not miss about living here. I thought yeah, a good time to blog about these things. The more I think about it, a lot of these thoughts can fall into both columns, and it's interesting how that works.

What I'll Miss & Not Miss...

Peace & quiet: It's so nice & relaxing here, but in the same token I feel very isolated from everyone. It's too far away for people to want to drive out here & I have to drive 30-35 min to work (for the last 17 years), so the last thing I want to do on my days off is drive anywhere. This poses a bit of a lack of social life problem. Most of my friends live elsewhere now too & it's lonely. I miss hanging out with people outside of work. I'm not writing this to get any type of sympathy, but to just state the facts. It would be totally awesome to live close enough to eventually go & do things with people & not have to drive a long distance to do so. I would love being within biking distance of my job!

Giant Mortgage: I have lived well beyond my means here for far too long & now my means have been reduced by over half. In addition to having to kick out my roommate & boyfriend within the past number of months. Getting someone new for only a few months seemed ridiculous. Every single dime goes into this place & I've had to cut out pretty much anything extra to make my money stretch far enough to keep paying the mortgage. Eventually, I will run out of money to pay the mortgage, and I pray this place sells before I have to encounter that.

Large Yard: I love the land here & all the trees planted by my Dad & family. Endless gardening would be awesome, if I wanted it, but it's WAY too much work for me. I can't keep up with it all, and I really am not a fan of mowing. If I had money to pay someone to take care of the grounds it would be totally different. I end up feeling exhausted even thinking about how much needs to be done out there. I'm so THANKFUL to my brother Bill & nephew Brannan for helping me out with it so I can get the place ready to show. I don't think I'd be able to do this without all of their help!

Crazy Crowing Rooster: So for the most part, I will not miss this, but the rooster did come in handy one morning when my alarm did not go off. However, this was back in the days of the "plug in" alarm, and I don't use one anymore. ;)

Mighty Rosedale: I've really built quite the kinship & friendship with the folks at my current job. It will be bizarre to eventually transfer to another store. I can only hope the people there are as amazing as the folks here.

Memories: There are so many in this house. When talking to a realtor recently, I told him I had never moved, and he was like, "but for college you did right". Nope, my Dad was awesome, and let me stay here while I went to college. Granted it was only a year school, in and out, but yeah I've slept in probably every bedroom in this house at some point. So it's a mixture of memories, and it will be strange to live somewhere else, but in the same token I will feel so FREE. It will also be nice to only move the things that I REALLY want vs. having a whole entire house full of stuff to deal with that is essentially someone else's. A lot of memories come up "mental stuff" when you are going through a lot of "physical stuff".

Neighbors at a distance: So I don't even really know any of my neighbors right now because they are so far away. For privacy, it's really nice, but for a social aspect it's kind of sad. The neighbors I do know have lived here for years, and I've talked to them more recently than I ever have. Sure, now I'm getting to know them more right before I leave. Murphy's law? Something else I'll now miss. You know who you are.

Preparing for the listing: Ok, it feels good to see some of these changes finally being made here that really should have been done years ago. The flow through the house feels better & it's not all clogged up with even more stuff. It feels kind of lame I'll only be here a few more months to enjoy it, but I'm glad that all this work will hopefully be appreciated by the new owners. If it ends up getting bull-dozed, well, I know I leave here doing the best that I could, and making it look the best ever. I think I've painted every room in the house, and some more than once! I will not miss the extensive work it takes to keep this place going & that includes going up and down the 2 flights of stairs thousands of times! It will also be great to bring yoga back into my life. I've had to give it up for a while in order to keep pushing forward on all the things that need to be done here. Thanks to anyone who has landed a hand!!

Fall Leaves & Winter: I hear from my Californian friends that the changing of the leaves (as shown in my photo) are something else that I'll miss. However, I will not miss what that leads into, WINTER. I won't miss scraping ice, driving on scary roads & all of these in order to commute the long distance to work. I won't miss trying to snow blow the driveway, and shovel the porch. Scraping off my car in order to get home & the hour or more it would take to drive there. The bitter cold and my nose hairs freezing. Not being able to walk dogs because it's too wet or cold.

The feeling of "home": So I wonder if after I leave, will anywhere else truly feel like it's home? Knowing this is the only home I've ever had, will somewhere actually feel like home again? I guess I will find that out and it's exciting and terrifying all at the same time!

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. I appreciate the part that you play in my life no matter where that is. I pray that I will be able to get back on track in a new place, and I'm excited for the chance to find where my new "home" is.

Thankful for Fire

Ok, so I wanted to blog a bit about fires, and how amazing they can be. Yesterday I was able to get rid of some old large goofy furniture in a matter of a few hours. Not only are these items gone for good, but now they are just a pile of ash, and that feels amazing. I feel like some of these heavy items that have been in this house for years have acted as boat anchors, and they are now going away! A few weeks back I had a fire for many days in a row thanks to some rather large pieces of tree that have been laying out in the yard for years. The more I burn, the better I feel, and the less I am going to have to deal with before I move from this house.

I'd also like to talk about how mezmerising fires can be to watch. I feel like it's almost like the sea where you can just stare into them for hours, and get lost in the flickering flames. Perhaps it's like the ocean too where they are powerful and also dangerous. It's hard to take your eyes off of them. It's fun to tell stories around them or make jokes about hot dogs. I love feeling the heat & think it's a trip how if you get too close your skin feels almost sunburned afterwards. I can only feel thankful to fire these days. Without it, I'd still have WAY too much stuff to deal with, and would feel totally under even more pressure.

This journey is a challenge, and I'm glad that fire is on my side. That & the garbage man. I won't lie how amazing it felt to pull the bins back down the driveway today and feel how light they were now. Not only am I losing weight, but so is this house, and it's awesome. It's funny how some people will tell you to sell things, or hold on to them, but sometimes burning them can be the much better option. Thank you again fire for helping me to feel even lighter with each passing day!

The Journey to Sell My Family Home

So, I'm writing this mostly for me to get a lot of these things out, but also to give you some perspective. I'll start with some background. The house in the photo is the house I grew up in. I've never moved from this home as my father allowed me to live here while attending college. In August 2003, after some advice from a friend, my father and I decided to refinance this house and put it in my name since my credit rating was better. So Dad & I signed a LOT of papers, and then it was done. Ever since then I've been paying the mortgage, and working on keeping up the place which is no small feat indeed. Most houses of this size have a family in them, or at least a married couple to be able to keep up with lawn care, snow blowing, and cleaning. I've had my father, a boyfriend here or there and some roommates, but mostly it's been back to me to deal with the majority of the upkeep.

My mother left the family home back when I was in junior high school so around 1991(?), and left ALL her things except her purse. She eventually moved to North Carolina where she lives today. My father left this world on February 23, 2005. Both of my parents rarely threw things away, and as I kept on going from room to room, I realized that I too had a bit of difficulty with this as well. How many photos do you really need to keep? Why am I keeping things that I don't even use? What the hell is this? I also seemed to get overwhelmed, and then wanted to just quit. This happened many times over the years. Negative thoughts would creep into my mind like; you can't do it, the house won't sell, this will take FOREVER, etc. I started to think that this is something I need to continue to keep up. All the while, I KNOW my father would not want me to struggle, and is probably surprised how long I've stayed here without him being around anymore.

Fast forward a number of years to August 2011 when I was relieved from my almost 14 year job at Merrill Corporation (not to be confused with Merrill Lynch). I worked my way to making a substantial salary there, but at the end was entirely unhappy. I would actually cry upon driving to my job everyday, but knew I had to stay in order to keep paying this large mortgage. Now that I know that a job I love DOES actually exist, I feel a bit foolish for staying there so long, but knew it was the money that kept me there. However, now I make a SUBSTANTIALLY lower salary, and my time is truly numbered in this house.

Relationships with men have also come and gone during these times. Each one I thought, "maybe we could start a family," or "perhaps with HIS help we could make this work". However, the more time moved forward, the more I realized that this is truly not a place where I am truly happy. It's just that I've become comfortable, and that is not always good.

I have been to California now about 6 times, and each time I go it's harder to leave. It's been my dream since 2005 to move out there, and now that this dream may be coming closer to a reality it's TERRIFYING! Questions continue to flood my head like: Will I have a full-time job?, Where will I live?, Will I be able to support myself because it's so expensive there, etc. I have now aligned myself with companies that exist in this state as well, but yet I am not sure I can make enough to sustain myself. I am very thankful to my best friend for offering the opportunity to live together to make this a true possibility, but there are still so many questions.

Also, there is still so much left to be done here, and pretty much only me to deal with it. I have a lot more things to go through. More questions arise like; Is it trash?, Should I donate it?, What is this?!?, Will I be able to get this all done and get the house on the market?, How will the showings work with 3 dogs here?, How am I going to manage to keep it show clean?, etc. I keep on plugging away, but I can't help to feel totally overwhelmed right now. At the same time I'm working through all of this "stuff," I'm also working on starting over my career. I tried for a full-time position and was denied, so now it's looks like I'll be back to starting over yet again in another department, and that's SCARY. I'm not sure I'll be able to make enough money to keep me in this place long enough to sell it. I need help, and am not sure who to ask for it. I need to interview realtors, and get the deed updated, and clean out the garage attic (SCARY). Some of these things seem so HUGE and terrifying.

Apparently it's my time to embrace the feeling of "FEAR," and move through it. It's probably exactly what I need in order to move me out of this "comfort" zone house that I truly cannot afford anymore, but at the same time it's really hard to battle feelings of failure and despair. So now I will come to a close, as I need to go make more of a dent in the work that needs to be done around here. However, if you see me, and I'm not my super smiling and happy self, just know what's going on in my background and that I'm doing the best I can not to carry it around with me. I'm really not very good at hiding my emotions (something I'm working on), and that's a good & bad thing. I know we all have our own battles and stories to share with life's challenges each one in differing degrees of TOUGH, and probably most people's are even more difficult than mine. However, this one is mine, it's what I have to deal with right now, and I believe my feelings are very valid as are yours. I'll be here for you to listen & comfort you through your struggles, and now you know a little more about mine.

"Bob" My Father's Doppelgänger

The other day at work I was feeling a little down. I had some tough customers and have been having a struggle lately with all of the things going on in my world. With that said, and not going into further whining detail, I happened upon a man waiting around with his phone in hand. I just happened to strike up a conversation with him which is commonly done to make sure we cannot help answer questions as people wait for assistance. I couldn't get over how this man reminded me of my father in looks & mannerisms. I eventually asked permission to find out his name, and he continued to tell me his name was "Bob" the same as my fathers. I said, "Wow, my father's name was Bob and you remind me a lot of him". He then told me, "You know that your Dad is always with you". I pointed to my heart and said, "Yep, he's right here". I asked him some other questions and we chatted a little while, but I couldn't get over how just those few words he said really touched my heart. It was almost as he knew I needed to hear that.

I think my Dad still communicates with me through others to let me know he's still looking out over me. It amazes me it's coming up to 7 years since Dad left this world, and I still miss him so much, but I know he's in a better place. A place without pain and he had a lot of that in the last years of his life emotionally & physically. But he too had his share of smiles and laughter too & those are the memories I will cherish forever.

I think this year is going to be one of letting go. Letting go of material things, emotions, and anything that doesn't serve me. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've come a long way too. I need to continue to remind myself of what I have done so far and how far I've come. I have my Dad to thank for a lot of the moves forward I make. For example, I channeled my Dad's electronic intellect to fix my clothes dryer when it quit working, put in new electrical outlets in the house, and he's helped me find the courage to do other do-it-yourself type things I would have never thought I could do. Thank you Dad for staying with me in my heart & for the reminders that you are around even if not "physically."

RIP Peanut 2008-2011

So for those of you that don't know I lost my little dog Peanut at the end of last year. It was a shock because I thought she was generally healthy, but she had fallen ill the last few months of her life and somehow got pneumonia. She ended up ceasing on the table at the vet, and I found this out when I was pretty sick with a cold. I had just flew home from a trip to NYC to see my cousin & his family. It's a strange parallel to my Dad's passing as I was pretty physically sick then too.

Peanut was a Schnauzer & Daschund mixed together. I really miss her and her energy. She was a furry little spark plug and always was happy to see you. Her whole body would wag in happiness. Perhaps her being happy and full of love all the time was why she left this world so quickly. She had already learned all the lessons she needed to & continued to love unconditionally. If only we could all do that.

I've now been very blessed to foster a couple of schnauzers for my BFF & they have been such a wonderful addition to this house and the healing process. It's so interesting to see how my first dog Star has been with them around too. She seems more perky again & back to acting way under her age. Life is short and I'm thankful to have been able to spend the few years with Peanut that I did. I will always remember her and her mannerisms. Peanut wherever she is now is just pure love.

Funny Story - Things you only see in the Midwest...

So yesterday, it snowed a little and of course people were driving VERY SLOW. It irritates most people to no end to have to slow down to where it takes twice as long to get to work & yeah it was the same for me. However, I had a very funny eye witness story that got me through this long drive with some belly laughs, and I WISH I had gotten a photo but I was driving. I looked over into the fast lane, and this guy was weaving in and out of it trying to get there a car length faster. I looked back and this same man had taken a gallon of windshield washer fluid and was then dumping it onto his windshield from the outside. So imagine a guy with his window open and arm reaching around to try and dump the last of this fluid onto his horribly dirty windshield. I was laughing so hard at the whole scene. He then continued weaving and ended up in the right lane where he saw me still laughing at him. He waved at me, and exited on his way, hopefully to get to the gas station to put more fluid in his tank. So thank you to this man who turned my annoying drive in to a full round of belly laughs!